Madel's journal

It could be.

Kinda possible.

acquired nystagmus.



Involuntary movement of the eyes

I have to see a doctor to confirm it.

How?


2 Months to work that miracle. I'm going for it.

Sick of getting results worst then ever.

Sick of being so stupid

Damned.

 

 

I need to mug.

 

Mug. I'm not smart, so that's what I should do.

 

Damn my procrastination.

 

Get lost

( Feeling like it. In a way )
I've made many choices in my 17 years of life.

many of which are...regrettable

many of which are not

It's a 50-50 gain and lost.

However, if one ask if I would re-select any choices I've made...I would say yes, I would for many things. The opportunity to select other subjects than the ones I have would be one...I would not land myself in this deep slump that I can't climb out, instead doing things that I actually like. I've never really regret going to RV though, meeting many people which are there for me when I need a hand or lend a ear to.

I would choose to learn things I've wanted to learn now at a younger age...maybe go back to taking art again. -Can't believe it? I once joined the art class in primary school and I won the second prize during a competition last itme. Fond memories-


At this age I realise that I want to do many things that I really think I'm fond of it. However, in a way I think it's all too late. With the current circumstances...the environment, being in Singapore...really, there is no way I am able to achieve any dream. Why must I choose to become an engineer or office clerk when my interest are not of that area? Just because I'm in Singapore, my role as a teenager is to study subjects with 'potential job aspects'? It is wrong to want to break free from all these ideals? I know my parents want to protect me from disappointments and failures in the future by making aims that is deemed 'no future' and all, but what if all I want isn't 'protection'?


I've always believe that passion drives humans to be the best they are. It is passion that brings motivation, which then brings good results.


Right now I'm just lacking that. Passion. Interest.

Teenage years. The years of finding out what one actually wants and what one thinks they want. Getting lost in the way of finding their true self.

I want to be the one that find my light through the dark.

Right now...it's all black. Darkness.

Procrastinating yet again. The stupid photoshop cs3 won't work so I can't make any posters. DAMNED.

And I wonder what's wrong with entertainers? Average weight of FT island is 59kg? DBSK's is 62.8kg (and their average height is 181cm...and they're muscle mass. Not scary 6-packs type but nice lean types. DROOLS), and SHINee's Taemin weighs only 50kg when he's 175cm.

That's guys.

SNSD's average weight is a freaking 46kg with taeyeon at 44kg. She's only 1 cm shorter than me.

HORRORS.

They should eat more. Especially taemin. He's turning to bones. T_T

And I've got nothing to do than to compare such stuff.

Oh, a random info: O blood type girls goes well with O blood type guys and AB blood type guys (especially AB), and they can make B bloody type guys 'stay'. They don't work well with A blood type guy because A blood type guys are more conservative and less outgoing as O blood type girls.

Best blood type combination?
A type girl with O type boy (not in reverse)
B type girl with O type boy (or in reverse)
AB type girl with AB type boy (not in reverse)
O type girl with AB type boy (not in reverse)

hmm...time for a yoosu fanfic. xD

 

( Rant  )

HAIZ.

Dance subaru was a great show. I was crying from the beginning, super excited in the middle, mesmorized at the end and cried again. Jieen only gave me a piece of tissue at the end when I need it desperately in the front...and the piece she gave me wasn't enough. It took me like..10 seconds before it was completely wet...then I realised jieen got more tissue. o.O

Minee was laughing -and tearing- when jieen suddenly swished the tissue to me and took one for herself, then passing one to minee. It was kinda hilarious, i suppose. xDD

I'm so gonna buy the VCD when it comes out.

And I haven't even watch my DVDs yet!!! I was busy watching my suju/ db stuff that I didn't have time for that already. It's already time to mug again. WTH.

I hate JC life.

I feel that I'm suffocating.

I can't take it...

I brought it onto myself...but i just can't help it

I can't do it.

Anymore.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

And I don't know who can I talk to. Who I want to talk to.

Can't cry. Not the mood for it.

What am I good at exactly? Someone tell me please...it's like I'm drowning...

I'm scared. Of myself.

I don't know what I will do to myself...













Then again...maybe I just want to be like this. I don't want to be helped, perhaps.

















Ha. Ha.












Ha...














Get lost.

I want it.

Badly.

It's really hard to achieve it. Near impossible.

But I'm going to try my best.

I'm going to win it...

hopefully with them.


 

Even though I said I'm on hiatus, I just have to post about the FF concert.

It was totally awesome. Especially Liberi Fatali (FF VIII's opening song), Aerith's Theme from FF VII, Chocobo -a classic for FF series-, To Zanarkand fromf FF X, and last but not least One Wing Angel from FF VII advent children.

It's damn classic! I totally love the concert and it's was worth every single cent of the ticket! Even Nobui Uematsu-san, the composer of the FF series, was present! Imagine the applause he had with the whole hall filled with FF fans! There were even 2 cosplayers present (cosplaying as cloud and tifa, and the guy really look like cloud with that hair, outfit and sunglasses, but tifa was kinda scaled)-took pictures with them xD-

It was damn fun and enjoyable and I would say, it was great to be able to have a real break like that just listening to music with my friends. xD

After yanyi and jingyuan (goh) left, me, TT and shinzu went to get jingyuan's (ong) present. Oh well, TT bought one present for their 4G clique which I had to help choose...xP and so me and shinzu shared another set. If jingyuan says she don't want the present, or she have it, I'd gladly take it. xDDD

And yea. I just have to say: PEOPLE, IF YOU WANT TO CONDEMN ME, DO IT IN MY FACE.

I might not be good in studying, but obviously I have ears. Want to talk bad about me, tell it to my face instead of saying it behind my back. If you can do it openly behind my back, might as well just tell me straight in the face instead of keeping quiet whenever you see me.

TYVM.
-Madel

Not that it matters since not many read my blog anyways.

I'm not going to close this blog down. It's become a part of me and my memories. I'm just going to leave this on hiatus because, well, I need to study. And to be able to make it efficient, I need to cut down my many obsession. I'm not a smart person; I am not able to focus on my academics and have all the fun at the same time.

The recent physics test is the final wake-up call. Getting the lowest in the class is one thing, getting a number that doesn't even require lifting all my fingers on one hand, is a total disaster and no laughing matter.

What's done had already been done. The only thing I can do is to really work hard.

Al the while I've been trying to avoid it. Studying isn't something that I ever will like and enjoy, and because of this I tried to avoid it. Burning midnight oil in hope of passing is not going to work anymore. Even though I've somehow acknowledged this fact, I've never done anything about it except avoidance. The new obsession of playing games and youtub-ing is an excuse to making me avoid studying even more.

Now it's my last chance to change and stop disappointing everyone.

I've let alot of people down this time. Especially Ms Tan and my parents.

Ms Tan was really angry about most of us not able to pass the lecture test due to many careless mistakes and having wrong concepts in doing it. Even though she says that she 'don't care' anymore because it's our grades and our future, but I think she actually realy cares for us and is worried for us because if she doesn't care, she wouldn't even bother nagging or scolding us in the first place. Apparently Mr chua told me that my chem was alright -shouldn't fail, if he's really true-. He flipped through mine because Ms Tan had went to ask him about my chem results as my physics was a total horror. If she don't care, she wouldn't even bother going around to ask our teachers about us.

My parents were totally disappointed with me too. They've never needed me to score As or top the class, all they want is for me to work hard and at least, pass the exams and promos. I can't even fulfill this small criteria. I've let them down, that I suddenly realised I'm really going to kill my own future just like that. And I know I certainly won't like that.

I really need some time to adjust, think and reflect on myself. I know I need to focus, but since the beginning of the year I've been losing motivation to do anything related to academics. I've always been living in the huge bubble that I've created, thinking that everything would be fine even if I don't work that hard and that by leaving more time for entertainment is a way not to become a 'no-life' bookworm. I'm afraid of not being able to have any more fun. Sounds stupid, but I seriously dislike studying, that these books and knowledge is the 'key to life'. How can learning differentiation help me in life? I cannot think of anything unless I'm going into the field of calculations (engineering, physics, maths etc). Maybe that's why I can't find any motivation in studying. I don't believe in what I'm learning.

I remembered typing a series of resolutions I wanted to do for 2009.
[+] G.P.A of minimum 3.0 average.
[+] Don't procrastinate with any assignments.
[+] Get my projects done properly. Neatly. Nicely.
[+] Able to play the overtures at one shot. And any other pieces. Aka. get my sight-reading skils proper.
[+] Able to kick soccer properly.Disbanded.
[+] -important!- slim down...roughly 10 kg? o.O -That's a rather impossible resolution>.<- Slimed downroughly 3kg since beginning of the year.
[+] Able to take better pictures, now that I've got a camera.
[+] Get my teeth straightened. Most likely in june, but dental appointment's tomorrow.
[+] Don't give up on my dream, no matter what others say. No backing out now.
[+] Really get on with writing. Even though no one appreciate it, it's practice. XP
[+] Go on with my 'top ten' series. I enjoyed it alot. XD.
[+] Strengthen bonds with my friends.

Hopefully by the next time I resume my blog, I'm able to hit at least 3 of the resolutions.

Till then,

Madel.

It was an enjoyable experience afterall.

All those tough practises to the best of my abilities, trying hard to catch up with the rest, looking and relooking, practicing and practicing only two songs, all for this one day of SYF.

And I tried my best.

When I stepped on the stage, other then my aching legs, I didn't felt anything else. I was unexpectedly calm.

When we started playing, all I could see was my scores and Ms Chan...and in the end, I think even though with a few unexpected mistakes, I tried my best and i was having fun. Having fun playing my bass clarinet.

The end of SYF isn't it: in fact, it's the brand new start for everything.

We all put in out best effort, and even though it's a silver, I was very happy.

Thanks to all the klarinutz for always helping me out and never lose patience with me no matter how noob I was, the other members of the band for having to put up with my lag and awful playing when I started out combines -I'm still not good, but I'd work harder!-, and ms chan for all her effort devoted to us. And our teachers-in-charge for encouraging us on, and seniors that went down to wish us good luck -seniors that I don't know but well, xDD-

Thank you.

Band picture w/ teachers.


Clarinets~

Yay~

P.S: bought my mum the cake with da help from my dad. Happy mothers' day nya~

Let's rock this house!

RVCB, hwaiting!
Madel hwaiting!

Let's rock this house!!


I"m nervous. very. Omo. Omo.

I'd do my very best. Put in my 101%, and make it the best of my perf.

I will win the demon in my heart...

The 250th post. Finally. I've had this blog since...2006...lot's of memories were stored in this place. It's my permanent blog since then -before that I've got several blogs on blogger...- due to lj's good and simple friends network.

It's really something I've never thought I'd achieve. Since I'm such a procrastinator and stuff.

Well...thank you lj, for bring me so much entertainment, and being my friend for these four years. xDDD.

Piling amount of work that I can't finish...no motivation to finish...

I feel like quiting school. The only motivation for me to continue is mainly 3 things: My family and friends, band and my dream career.

Come to think of it, the last one isn't even possible.

Great, it narrows down my motivation to 2 things worth fighting for.

I don't like PW. Neither do I like my subject combination. Why can't we have drama and theatre studies?

Balloon by DBSK. The end is so cut~

If Only....-there are just too many possibilities-

I really like this song.

Super Junior - K.R.Y - 한 사람만을

I's really amazing how much I like them despite having been a fan only late feb this year. Their humourous, fun and serious sides never fail to make me laugh or cry along with them. Especially suju KRY's voices...even though all of them can sing...but these three can make ballets that touch one's heart.

Kyuhyun's deep soothing voice, ryeowook's angelic voice and yesung's slightly husky voice ends up to be a great combination.

Love this song to bits

I'm so negative about my life.

Recalling what I did after last thurs...friday and sat spent lagging.

Went to big bang's global warming concert private screening@ arts house on sun with jieen. It's like a small big bang fans-meet up by bbsg(bigbang singapore). Went in place of minee who can't make it last minute. It was rather nice -big bang is a rather fun group, but I don't like some of their songs still...I'm not much of a rap person. More on ballets and pop. xDD- Except that I'm guilty at almost falling asleep during Taeyang's concert DVD...Firstly, I'm not a huge fan of taeyang, even though he's got the talent...everytime he is like going to pull up his top or something I feel like going to sleep because well...I'm 'fraid of buff guys. But I didn't sleep...partially because most of the fans in the room were screaming with excitement. >.<

Totally don't mind if it's eeteuk/ donghae though. xDD

Monday was as usual. Lessons. Trying not to get killed. And my PI...ahh...need to redo. T.T

Tues...band prac! Must really work harder and harder not to disappoint Ms chan and the rest of the seniors, who have put in so much hard work. I don't want to be the one pulling everyone down...so I'm gonna have to work harder. Much much harder.

Wed. You can say it's like an eye infection. My right eye was watering like no tomorrow and I can't help it. And it's swollen...so it looks like I'm beaten up or something. o.O Went to my private doc which gave me some anestetic (?) eye drops which make me feel much much better. Can't believe that the general office don't have eye-drops. o.O I missed combines...which was bad as I'm left with 10 more practices to work out a miracle. My mum forced me to sleep after the visit to the doctor and I slept all the way from 12noon all the way to 6-7pm. o.O


Thurs...nothing much. Getting to love big bang's, DBSK songs more and more...but of course SUJU STILL ROCKS.

xDD.

Haengbok by Suju. Love this song

I went to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic at Cathay with Jieen, Minee and Yting. It's worth the 10 dollars, it was really nice. The ending was hilarious...sime parts of it is kinda...touching, and some parts of it is really funny. xDD. I lvoe the leading male's accent. British accent is really...ahh...smexy. -I feel wierd using this term...but I'm having a brain block of what else to use...xDD-

Saw Yijiao. Tramatised. xDD

Ahh..

lagging and refusing to do homework. I've only done 18 out of the 42 articles by this week, and if Mr wee is checking soon I'd be dead.

Just finished listening to the DBSK -- Five In The Black 2nd concert on YT. It's was nice...most of the songs. I really live 'somebody to love', 'SKY' and 'Lovin You' the best. Jaejoong~Yunho~ahhhh.

xDD.

I still very much prefer super junior as a whole, because the more I see them the more they rub it off me. I would never have known 'nobody' and 'tell me' from WG if heechul hadn't danced to it. xDD.

Should be back to doing hw.

AHHHH.

PW is crazy. I handed in my first PI draft and since Mr ong will only go through with me the improvement stuff next monday...I am practically lagging.

I just finished my 16 pages of 'research' about my selected 'topic'...and since youtube can't work now and I'm stucked with physics...

I'm practically...expired. Lagging.

Tomorrow got newcomer test...pray that I can pass it. >.<

And I manage to survive physics tutorial. Seriously, now that mass dance is totally the least of my worries.

SIANNNN

If monday timetable don't change, it's gonna kill me sooner or later. I have GP, maths tutorial, econs tutorial, physics tutorial and PW on mon. Plus one math lecture.

The new maths teacher is going through the tutorials so fast...I just don't get it. Last time Mr Lum like go through each question at a slower pace. Ms Tan is like...almost 1 tutorial worksheet per tutorial.

I'm dying.

GP is still alright...but we're gonna write more and more essays soon. Same with econs...not that I hate econs, but essay writing is well...gonna kill me. Then physics tutorial...-trying to understand dynamics but can't because I totally don't understand the physics lecturer who keeps jumping in a random fashion-. And PW research...Like have to finish 5 out of 6 subject worth of hw + revision -plus time minus due to CCA or tuition coming soon-, I can kiss goodbye to my rests on weekends.

Tuesdays aren't better.

Madel, HWAITING.

If only I can press the reset button.
 

Been addicted to Suju's 'Marry U', 'Haengbok' and 'Reset'.

Haiz. band was fun -even though i got scolded-. I'm beginning to like the pieces more and more...

^^

Got lots of new stuff recently. A new white jacket because the old one is torn. >.< It's damn ex but well, a pair of free jeans were given with it -like, buy one get one promo or something.- so it's alright. My bro bought me a new DS game because I did well for my o level chinese -got the cert the other day-. I've always wanted FF: Ring of Fates since it came out but because of the remarks online -the rom seems to have a problem after playing for 30 mins or something- so well. I got the game~!!!

Damn fun.

But I gotta do my work.

Sux.

Always chionging hw like no tomorrow.

God.Someone smack me hard please.





Super junior is bad addiction. >.< Ahhh...should have controlled myself...

Too late for regrets. lmao.

 

Madel hwaiting!!!!
 

Procrastinating like always.

Got a new haircut. My head's like rounded -like, orange/apple rounded?- and hmm, my bangs are gone. My heart did ached a little when the hairdresser sniped it off like nobody's business -well, of course, who cares other then me?-.

Homeworks...totally far from done. I've only done math assignment on eportfolio, do that ecareer thing and did my gp worksheet.

Still got lots more to go, and tomorrow's friday.

Sigh, this sucks.

--
Band was fun. Combines feel good.

And sigh, my intonation sucks like no tomorrow. -slaps self- Gotta practise harder. *~*

Today's band prac was...hmm...wow?
Combines had too few people so in the end we were playing the Piccolo March. Sight reading was tough.

Games were scary though. Taboo was funny, serade was alright, but the eating competition was scary. Minzhang solo-ed the group by eating half a watermelon, 8 sausages, 2 bananas and 11 pieces of bread and jam. Sarah is the quiet eater that...manage to eat alot. Xueqiang was like...don't know, trying to focus by thinking of starving kids in africa when he felt sick. I was the only one talking like no tomorrow to distract myself from the taste. Watermelon to sausages is a disgusting combi.

Rawr. Till then.